Iss Dis Seexxii (is this sexy)

To add extra letters to words or to leave letters out all together. I see so many people type like that. Is that attractive or cool? Am I that old? Cause I just don't understand it. In my opinion its just a bit strange to me. Is it so hard to use the English language correctly?
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stuck in the middle

Im stuck in this place and I don't know who is right or wrong anymore...everything is so jumbled and I know I shouldn't even be apart of all of this, but its the enevitable for me to be in between. And the matter of picking sides...no one said it but me. I know even if it is not asked, it can't be stoped. I am the fucking latch-key kid between the two divorced parents. so yeah I don't know what to say or think anymore._V

My ending world pt.1

If you think that this only involves you and him, then you are wrong. I can go over everything in my head and I just don't understand where it went wrong. I replay our lives together and I just don't see it. Can you please explain to me in your own words. Give me a list, a memory, anything. I want to figure this out, for my sanity. I love you both with all my heart and I need to justify this ending. My heart is breaking and I am not ready to let you go.
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To knowing better

Life is not some silly game. I should have known from the beginning that all you were doing was playing. Maybe I played along , but when I said I cared, I was not lying. You took advantage of me. But I guess thats what I get for being a nice person. I should have known better...right? And I can't believe that you, out of all people, practically made it to my heart. You almost won. And when people wonder why I am so messed up. Why I can't trust, why I am afraid to speak.....I am going to say, because of people like you. I am over this, so do me a favor and erase my number, block me from your friends.....I don't exist for you.

_V

if this is goodbye

So I don't understand why you are not going to be my friend. I just want an explaination, a proper goodbye. If I did something wrong, tell me so that I can make amends...after all was said over these past weeks, I dont think a simple "bye" is enough. But if thats all that I am going to get, I guess I will learn to except that. And I guess I should say goodbye to you to. I really wish you the best in your life, and I hope that you get the help you need to keep moving on. And I hope you find the perfect one to make your life complete. And I hope you figure out that you are better than what you think you are, and that you should not strive any lower than the highest....Remember "TODAY is a gift...Thats why they call it the PRESENT"

With love and understanding_V

giving up

What do you say to someone that wants to give up on everything? "don't do it, don't jump" is that really enough to stop someone??? Like seriously, if their mind is truly made up, they are going to do what is set to do, no matter what is said or done. I can try and try again to change a mind, but a person has to want to change in order for a change to be made. My heart is sad to hear that you don't want to fight, and I can only try to help so much. I am not a miracle worker and can only say to you....Fight. I do it everyday and you should too
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moving on

I find myself afraid to move forward. I just realized that I subconsciously find little ways to hold myself back. I think it is a defence mechanism, of which I am not proud of. Do I really think that I need to be that protected? Seriously.....(note to self) JUST MOVE ON!!! Grow the hell up!
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good weekend

Words don't always come easy for me. Sometimes I just don't have the right thing to say. It doesn't mean that I don't care any less, it just means that I am at a lost for words

Anyways, this weekend was awesome. went to the movies on Friday with the best friends. We saw The Haunting in Connecticut....It was so scary, I cried a little..lol. Saturday was fun too, I just stayed home and chilled with the family. And Sunday was nice too. That was a productive day, I wrote my screenplay for my writing class and I am very proud of it.

As for today, it was not bad either. School was school like always, boring. But on the bright side I did not have writing class because it got cancelled.

So yeah thats a recap of this weekend

_v

"I hate u sometimes"

because I am not the little slut you want me to be
because I am not willing to give you the time of day
because I am not that girl

you hate me?

YOU hate me?

Because I have morals
Because I WILL NOT be that girl
Because I want an actual conversationBecause I am in charge
Because I do only what I want

Hate me.....Cause I WILL NOT HATE MYSELF
I refuse to..................I am not that person anymore.
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Awkward

Today I watched Steel Magnolias, it made me cry. But it made me remember that life is short, that it is a gift and that it should be cherished. I need to start living life to the fullest, cause in a moment it could be gone.

Also, I am not going to be drinking till the summer...or at least try. Its going to be hard, but hopefully I can be strong......so don't ask me to buy anything, If I can't drink it I am not going to buy it........Try to support me in this.

So, this weekend has been so awkward. I feel like everyone is tip-toeing around each other. Afraid to say what is really going on.....that's just my opinion though.....I just hope next week is better, because right now, I just feel sad.
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Are you trying to stop yourself?

I am honestly terrified. To do the things I really want to do. I have to physically stop myself, cause I am afraid to make mistakes....especially mistakes to do with the matter of the heart. Even when I can trust, my mind does not allow.I am too cautious, too timid, too afraid to be more of a failure than what I already am. So I am going to stop here, no need to dig more of a hole.
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to standing upright on my own

I don't know where I want to go with this but I just have to say. I am never going to be a stepping stone, a welcome mat, or any other thing anyone can just walk all over. I am fed up with it. I am realizing that maybe I am a pushover, that I let people take advantage of me all the time. But I am NOT going to let that happen anymore. I have been happy for the past few weeks and I intend on letting it stay that way. And honestly, if anyone objects to this, I don't give a fuck. Say and do what you want. But I choose happiness
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To move foward

New is hard for me to deal with. I like things to stay as they are but I know that change is inevitable and can not be stopped. Even when these changes are exciting and good, my first reaction is to bolt. The run away as far I can possibly go. I am a coward, I know this. Here I am scared and afraid, letting life pass me by day by day. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that my whole life has gone by and I have did nothing. So yeah, here is to me taking some charge.
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Poem

Singing Whisper Slow dances

Sweet melodies graze along my ears,
dancing, swimming, floating in my mind.
My heart races and beats a thousand times

I can see myself falling

Dancing in the clouds,
Swimming in the stars,
Floating in the universe
Descending into the unknown.

A smile appears upon my face,
with a new fire burning in my eyes.
For days past have been still, drowning, sinking,
Into dark nothings.

Sing this song of bliss,
this new harmony in my heart.
Sparked and ignited my soul.
With light I am now alive.

No more darkness, just a slow dance.

Last Night

Was an adventure to say the least. I am not sure if I will be drinking anymore, at least not for awhile. I had too much last night.

So let me recap the night:

• went to the liquor store, bought the cheapest stuff I could find (it was quadrupled distilled!!!lol)
• Went to a party, decided that it was not fun enough and got determined to drink that thought away.
• got shit-faced, and sick. And took it upon myself to let the bushes outside know that
• Kissed my GAY best friend...More like he came at me. He gets so lovey when he is drunk
• Partied some more, because I just needed one more shot
• Karma proceeded to kick my ass and got sick again
• Ate a pretzel and semi passed out on the couch
• woke up and ate some gum (in thanks to that nice girl who gave me some, it was a life saver, thanks)
• Eventually, went home ate a sandwich and crashed out

So yeah, no more of that for awhile. Or at least not that much. lol

Raul, I just have to say thank you for pouring me those shots and then taking care of me after....and for taking care of all of us. You are such a good friend. love u

_V

Good times

My girlies!!! I miss ya'll.....I hope we hang out soon!!

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testing the waters

Most people seem so sure about themselves, confident. So sure in what they want out of life, so sure in their next move. I, myself, am never sure, never quite aware of where to place my feet. Timid and afraid to leave the spot where I stand. So for now, I am going to test the waters. Take baby steps, for we all have to learn to walk before we can run. And hopefully in time I will jump in and just let the currents take me to wherever they lead.
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so

there is this guy...I am kinda into him. I want to give him my number,but I am not sure what his true intentions are. so maybe if he lets me know what those intentions are, maybe he can get some digits....maybe

Pondering

If happiness is all I ever wish for, Why is it that I can not commit to what would make me happy? Why do I insist on making my own life more difficult than it already is? I am so complicated
_V

Its Friday

And I am home alone. Left to my own vices and things are weighing heavy on my mind. I just want to get out of here and forget everything. I hope someone calls me soon cause I am about to loose it._V

It is late

And I am still awake. Anyways, I just wanted to let everyone know that I will be posting blogs on myspace again, but I will still have this one too. I believe that they will have the same post. I find that I have readers on there too and might as well give them something to read. so yeah, no changes to this one. just in case anyone was wondering. well I am off to bed. night
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Directions would be nice

I feel as if I am coming to crossroads, and I am not going to know which way to turn. One way can be perfection and the other is unknown but could be great too. I hate not knowing what is going to happen, but I guess that is the fun in life. _V

Question??????????????????

Do good things truly come, to those who wait??????????
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valentines day

turned out better than I thought. I went to my cousins wedding which was downtown at the Mass wedding. That was interesting because there was a lot of different couples wearing different outfits. This one bride was wearing a ballerina tutu, lol. Then later that day, I spent the day hanging with my friends and got dared to do shots. That was fun. My friends can be such bed influences sometimes, but I love them none the less.What a good day
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blurb

Sk8R boys will always have a place in my heart................Oh NO! ♥ ???
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Father and Son

I can hear my brother in the other room. He is having an argument with his girlfriend. He gets so angry over nothing. And has the worst temper, he needs to chill before he busts a vein in his head or something.Can we say anger management. But anyways, it is funny to me in that he sounds exactly like my father. This brings up memories of when my father used to live with us. When he used to fight with my mom. Not good times, but I don't want to go there. So I'll just have a good laugh._V

What good is crying?

On days like this, when things are really down. I find myself using different crutches to get through the day. Whether it be going to sleep or taking that extra shot of alcohol, or whatever it may be; I know this is not good. What is wrong with me? And why cant i deal like a normal person? Some days i just don't know.
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lets jump

With each passing day, I become more brave. I am becoming very comfortable and I don't know if it is a good or a bad thing. My will power to keep saying no is wearing very thin and that scares me. But honestly, I can't help what I feel and you know how that can be. This is jumping into the unknown for me so yeah, don't know where I am going with this rant.
_V

Blurb

People that are BAD................................................. should be punished. LOL!

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2012

They say that the world is coming to an end on December 21, 2012. Frankly, I don't believe that, but just in case, I thought I'd make a list of things to do before I die. These things don't have to be done in any kind of order. 2012 is not that far from now, I best get to work.....

1. To torch the v-card
2. To go to culinary school
3. Get my licence
4. Have a baby
5. Write that one story I have been meaning to write
6. Get out of Texas for a bit
7. Taste that cherry chapstick ;)
8. truley speak my mind
9. Get really drunk and throw up...lol
10. Find love...where ever that may be
11. Find my muse
12. See a show on Brodway
13. Meet a celebrity
14. Where a bikini to a beach
15. Go on a roadtrip with the besties
16. See Linkin Park in concert
17. Do something crazy like skydive or something like that
18. LIVE more
19. LAUGH more
20. And above all, LOVE more

There is probably more to this list and if I think of more I'll add to it. Today is a gift and that is why we call it the present. So live it up.

_V

Yay! Party!

I didn't get that haircut after all, still want it but just didn't have the time to go. Maybe next weekend. So tonight should be fun, I am going to a little get together with all the friends.......Lots of laughs should be in the future.LOL!
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maybe

I think I might cut my hair today. I need something different. something new.

Blurb

I am totally looking into torching my v-card....any takers???

I can't help it

♥YOU make my heart flutter
♥YOU take my breath away
♥YOU above all make me happy

and I can't help it. Even when I want to. This is going to be the death of me...LOL
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i AM bored

So I have finally figured out what to write my first major paper on. I am so glad that I have got this one figured out. I am actually almost finished with it. yay!!!

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you didn't listen

**foward note**this is a letter to my little brother, jacob. I hope I can reach out to him before it is too late.

*also...I wrote this about a year ago and I had sent to him on myspace, just thought I would share with my readers on here*


Jacob,
I know you will probably think this is whack or whatever, but I am just trying to be real with you. I know that you are hurting inside, that many people have hurt you in your life and that maybe you feel like no one cares about you. But just know that I do care for you. You are my brother and I love you and I always will. You will forever be that little kid with the big head to me.
And about your anger, no one in our house deserves it. I am tired of feeling like I can't go home because all I have to go home to is a place of violence and hate. You really scare me sometimes. I understand that you are angry with this world, angry at mom, angry at dad, maybe even angry with me...but everyone gets mad, so just deal with it. Grow up and be an adult about it, cause punching the wall is childish and is not going to change anything. You need to understand that all this added stress in taking its toll on our family, and it is pulling us apart. All anyone truly has in this world is family. Who else do you have to fall back on...your friends??? Cause you will be lucky to find atleast one true friend in your life, but you will always have your family. It is a permanment bond, its blood.
And all these bad choices you are making right now. I know that you are smarter than that. Don't you know that what you do now effects your future. I know that you do not like school, but you should just go. Just get it over with and then you will never have to go to it again. And the drugs, I just don't get it. Thats not a smart choice on your behalf. Honestly you are better than that and you should want better for yourself. I know I want the best for you, and to be proud of you. I want you to graduate. I want you to achive all that you can and live a sucessfull life. But at the rate you are going now, all its leading to is to a life of crime and being in and out of jail. Is that what you want??? If so, keep on doing what you are doing.
I can't change who you are. And no matter what I say or do I know it probably won't change a thing, but I figured it was worth a try. Maybe one day you will see how it is and change for the better. I know you will. I have faith that you will. So just know that I do love you and that is why I wrote this.
With love, your big sis_Veronica

Time to walk into the unknown

So oddly, just now. I have gotten a strange sense of inspiration and creativity. I need to stop sulking and drowning in sorry. Feeling sorry for myself is not going to get me anywhere. I need to stop being afraid of everything and for once take risks. I'm sure if I fail, at least one person will be there to catch my dumb ass. Also I have finally realized that I have been wanting someone to baby me, take care of me; but no one has, or ever will do that for me. If I want anything, I will have to do it myself, just like always. So to my friends who have been listening to me bitch and moan about everything, I am sorry. I hope you didn't think I was throwing a pity party in hoping that you would feel sorry for me. And I am truly sorry if that is what I came across as. so, I am hoping that I will stay will this sudden burst of empowerment. I need it, I want it. I will be strong.
_V

I am sorry for being selfish

Yes, I know I can be a little ungrateful. I forget to be happy with what I have, no matter how small it may be. I know this is not a good thing, and it is just a bit selfish and unbecoming. But shouldn't I strive for more, want more??? Is that wrong??? I know I should just be happy being alive and somewhat well, but some days I am not. I can't be happy all the time, I can't pretend like certain things don't bother me. I am naturally a pessimistic person. I can't help if the very soul of my being believes that "what can go wrong , will go wrong". I can't help that. All I can do is wake up the next day and hope it will be better than the one before. I am trying.

_V

rough day

Today was an OK day. Kinda a downer.
A lot has been on my mind, and I am not sure who to turn to just yet. I need to get things straight in my head first.

*J*
Sweetie, don't be so vain. It has nothing to do with you. I am trying to tell you something very personal and somehow you don't get what I am saying and then on top of that you try to turn it around to make it about you. So pay attention, my patience is wearing thin.

*this afternoon: the words I couldn't speak*
I know I am selfish, but honestly I can't live my life without you. I don't want you to leave me, ever. I can't ask you to stay but you know how I feel. And if you must leave, its OK, I will learn to be OK. I love you and always will be here for you, even if you insist to be miles away.
Well that's all for today. With love as always_V

?I don't think I need a new addiction

*bad for your health*

Maybe I shouldn't.

So will I ever be happy?

I just realized, that I sabotage my own happiness. I think I am afraid, terrified, to be happy. When you spend your whole life miserable, that's all you know. And when you are away from that, its like you're lost. I know, Its dumb to not want happiness, I want it, I do. But it is just something I am not used to and I can finally see that I push my happiness away. I find some reason or some excuse to push it away. I really don't know why I do this, when all I ever wish for is to live my life happy. So when I realized this, I was like "that makes no sense". I am so complicated and strange, but one day I will figure it all out...hopefully
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Blurb

Blowing your nose in public is gross.

Just Got Home

Its 2:30 in the morning and I am wide awake jamming to LeATHERMOUTH, and writing up a character outline for my writing class. I have to say, this band is pretty cool, the singer is Frank lero from MCR. Their sound is so different from what I am used to but I am taking it in with an open mind. I have a feeling that this band is going to be BIG! So anyways, earlier I was like having the biggest hot-flash ever and now I am glad to report that I finally cooled down...lol. Well I better get to work on my outline.
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Blurb

Boys can be so gullible and easy to control.....my little puppets.

weirdy

My brother's girlfriend has been like living at my house off and on ever since my brother has gotten out of jail. She is so weird, she never even comes out of his room. She is like afraid to talk to any of us. And its not like we would hate her or anything, we(or at least I) could care less. The only problem I have with her is the fact that she eats all the food and does not help clean. It is kinda rude of her to use our stuff and return not help with anything. We even do her laundry. I don't see why my brother would want to be with her, she is a bum. An 18 year old high school drop-out, with no job or car. I know that I shouldn't be talking because I don't have a job either, but at least I go to school. I guess she makes him happy,so whatever. I just hope she starts helping out if she is going to be staying here. Is that rude of me to ask???
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The inevitable

As people grow, things change. We are constantly evolving, slowly morphing into the person we will die being. This change is inevitable, it can not be stopped. And wheather this "new" person is doing things that are different or maybe even contradicting the "old", we shouldn't judge. Because we all change and we all do things we swore we would never do. So yeah change is change, be it good or bad. If we make mistakes all we can do is learn from them.
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