So will I ever be happy?

I just realized, that I sabotage my own happiness. I think I am afraid, terrified, to be happy. When you spend your whole life miserable, that's all you know. And when you are away from that, its like you're lost. I know, Its dumb to not want happiness, I want it, I do. But it is just something I am not used to and I can finally see that I push my happiness away. I find some reason or some excuse to push it away. I really don't know why I do this, when all I ever wish for is to live my life happy. So when I realized this, I was like "that makes no sense". I am so complicated and strange, but one day I will figure it all out...hopefully
_V